So I was originally gonna publish this article next week. Why? Well I had convinced myself that my first article shouldnt be so heavy and since next week is the last sunday of September it fit because September is suicide awareness month. But the real reason I didnt want to publish today was because I was scared. I didnt know how I would feel writing about it. I didnt know if I wanted this out there, what will people think? But mostly because healing hasnt taken place yet. But this morning I went to church and the pastor was speaking about his sex addiction. I know it wasnt easy for him at first but I respect him for being so honest. In a world where everyone wants to show their streghth its very brave to come out and show your weaknesses. Through his sermon one thing stood out to me, he said "you are not autonomous" meaning everything you go through does not only affect you but the people around aswell. In other words, as my dad tells me, you are not an island. So long story short I write because I am not autonomous. And this article specifically is the foundation of many articles, its only right to put it first. Since I am not autonomous my weaknesses and darkness are your bussiness. We can only heal when we connect at that level. So heres my story:

Back in 2016 around December time. For as long as I could remember I had been depressed, I didnt know why (now I do but thats for another article) I just was. I tried to hide it, since I had high fuctioning depression, I suceeded.

Until that year, my mind kinda said nope. I slowly stopped attending certain classes that felt like too much work. I barley attended afternoon activities I just wanted to sleep. I would fake illnesses to stay home. I was crying more (in private ofcourse) and eating less. I was always super tired even though I was asleep more than I was awake. I felt numb so I started self harming (not in the obvious places cause I acc didnt want people to see). I started having suicidal thoughts cause i felt like a burden. Life just kinda felt like a drag.

So around September I started going to therapy. I loved it so much, I felt like I could finally breathe. Because for so long I had beleived we dont speak about these things. Holding in so much pain had become so heavy. I had therapy every tuesday, I thought once a week was too little, i wanted to go everyday. Tuesday suddenly became my favorite day!

So after a few sessions, my therapist sent me to the doctor and i was prescribed antidepressants (fluoxetine). I was told I had take them everyday for a year, that scared me because I thought a year is a long time. So I wasnt given a bunch of pills at once, I got a packet monthly from the doctors it would go to my therapists and she would give me in smaller amounts. 

So things were going well, even though i wasnt being 100% honest. My first session she had told me that everything in here is confidential unless i am in danger of harming myself or having suicidal thoughts, in that case she was required to tell my parents. So I just choose not to tell her that I self harmed and had suicidal thoughts.

Around December time I started feeling worse. Thats the thing about antidepressants, It gets worse before it gets better. My symptoms were worse than before, I wasnt sleeping much. It was during the holidays so I was home not doing much, I stopped going to therapy because of the holidays. So all my self destructive tendancies were back full force. 

So this time I didnt have much in me to fight. I kept this little diary in my phone memo I would just write random thoughts. I remember starting to draft a suicide note I would add on to it every time I came past it. It started with something like "if your reading this its not your fault" i just wanted the people close to me not to get hurt. I just wanted the pain to stop, i didnt want to die. I remember writing "I wish life could stop for two months and then hopefully I feel better after".

So the nights got longer, my cuts got deeper. Probably watched 13 reasons everyday, which was triggering. If i wasnt asleep or crying then my mind was going at 1000 Km/h. There was this one day in specific i was looking at my wrists and i just felt an urge to cut, everytime I tried I would start shaking and my arm would get weak there wasnt enough force to even scratch my skin. Apart from breaking up with my boyfriend, I dont even know what happened the rest of that month its a very foggy. 

But soon my body started responding to the medication, i resumed going to therapy and i was starting to think clearly again. I never told my  therapists about what i went through, in fear of her telling my parents. In fact i never told told anybody. 

A week before new years I decided to get a tattoo. I got  a butterfly the body being a semi colon, on my wrist the same wrist I failed to slit. A semi colon is used when an author couldve ended their sentence, but chose not to. In this case the author was me and the sentence was my life. The butterfly part symbolizes alot of things but mostly transformation. I actually didnt put much thought into it, but I did make a promise to myself that I would never end my life. I was 16 but this tattoo saved an older me and continues to do so. It also reminds of my expirience and helps me talk about it cause people ask the meaning, and explaining has never gotten easy. 16 year old me challenges me everyday to do better.

So 2017 was a transformative year. I was doing well I stopped therapy before I finished my medication I just stopped taking them in like May, I still have them in my room till this day. Later on in life i would relapse but that story is for another day.

I just want to tell anybody reading this thats going through it that it actually gets better! Depression lies to you and tells you thats you have always felt this way and you will always feel this way but you wont. Trust me it gets better! You might not need therapy or medication, everyoneones journey is different. But healing starts to happen when you talk about it, so please talk to someone if you dont have anyone Contact me!

With love,

Tayamika Sasha Chang'anamuno

How to cope with suicidal thoughts

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